We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
