someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
