If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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