So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
