Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
