my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
