Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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