My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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