why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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