Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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