I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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