I just threw up on my dentist
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
my liver is dry heaving
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
