Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
