I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
