I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize