five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
