listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
