I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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