i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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