She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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