I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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