I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
