i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I need to sanitize my soul.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
