Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
