i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
