There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
