I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Your penis caused this!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
