things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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