I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
