I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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