It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
