How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
