I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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