When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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