I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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