my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize