His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
