I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
