It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Mom said you looked used
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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