Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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