My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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