the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Ketchup is God's man juice
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
