JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize