Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize