3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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