You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize