I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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