i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
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