I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize