Sober January is a disaster.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I will be naked everywhere
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
