some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
