i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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