If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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