i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
