Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
