Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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