Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
