I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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