Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
