I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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