So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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