i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize