We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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