This girl is more easily done than said...
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
