I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
