She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
