I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
