I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize